I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. Andy. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. The cat crawls out at night to smoke them and we are trying to get him to quit. He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. I'm a bit tired, so can we just play your backside tonight? When a golfer lies, he doesnt have to bring any proof home. Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." Its almost a law. Or under. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. Whats the best quality in a golf partner? Hey you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right? It's included here because of the hilarious mental image it evokes. I Am Shuvo Saha. "If you break 100, watch your golf. If you like football - I would rather think that you are active, optimistic and strict a bit. Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines; Dirty Music Pick Up Lines; Dirty Holiday Pick Up Lines; David Brenner, For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? I told my coach I got a new set of clubs for my wife. Why did the golfer have to change his socks? Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls., The blond looked at him compassionately and said: Oh you poor thing. I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Repeat until the ball is in the hole. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch. George B. Kirsch, Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf. Philip Wyeth, Hitting down is an important part of iron play. A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. Kurt Philip Behm, The reason they call it golf is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. These words carry the feeling for those you care about and those who care about you. Relate what your buddy said after a five-putt, the joke your grandfather made about the ballwasher or your golf junkie pal's philosophy about the parallel between golf and life. Your fifth putt. Check out these hilarious jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole dead on line. Jan 1, 2016 - Explore Uwharrie Point | Golf Communit's board "Golf Quotes", followed by 482 people on Pinterest. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. Why dont skeletons play golf? If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot. I am Jimmy, clown at heart. If you break 80, watch your business.". "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot Like chess, golf is a game that is forever challenging but can never be conquered. Harvey Penick, 10. I like big putts and I cannot lie. I give the ball some sweet talk. Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. Fear shows up when there is an enlargement of the pupils. 20. After 18 holes I can barely walk. Keep your sense of humor. The famed author of Centaur, John Updike wrote about the gentleman's game with some regularity. Dont even putt. 4. When is it too wet to play golf? I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice. I love the contrast between the agony of a golfer bleeding out and the ecstasy of a moment of creative genius. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. The flowing robes, the grace, bald striking. Why is Hearts a golfers worst card game? The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. Try choking donw on the shaft. A two-foot putt to win a bet or a tournament or a Masters is another thing entirely. However, it's been poisoned for me by the fact that it was often relayed to customers at a golf course I worked at by an overweight 90-year-old man while I awkwardly feigned amusement in repeated moments of shared weirdness. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? 4. Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. Hitting the ball well is about thirty percent of it. Does a bear crap in the woods? Instead, here's a great clip of Chi Chi talking about ladies he sees golfing. Big pupils lead to big scores. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyones game: its called an eraser. Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently. 4. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Whats the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? Golfing is like masturbation, sex, or pooping?! Here, have a carrot! A great shot is when you pull it off. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? Are you into kinky stuff? Jack Lemmon, There are many things you can successfully fake in businessbut a good golf swing isnt one of them. 19+ Best Dirty Medical Pick Up Lines - Best Jokes and Puns Theres no sense in going to a tournament if you dont believe that you can win it. Tiger Woods, 20. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". 3. Why did Arnold Palmer get beat up? The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt. The 18 Best Golf Movies You Need To Watch In 2023, Top 14 Golf Podcasts You Should Listen To (Updated 2023), 7 Left Handed Golf Tips To Crush The Competition, 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation, Practicing Golf At Home: 10 Tricks To Improve Your Game. They like cricket better. Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five. 5. On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match. Dirty Golf Jokes - Dirty Golfing Jokes - Jokes4us.com Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand? Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. THE MATERIAL ON THIS SITE MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, DISTRIBUTED, TRANSMITTED, CACHED OR OTHERWISE USED, EXCEPT WITH THE PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. 2023 DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes, 17 Awful (But Mostly Funny) Golf Fails from 2013, This new Top Flite commercial is sophomoric, inappropriate, and very funny. Lee Trevino. Whos there? One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. See more ideas about golf quotes, golf, golf humor. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. If you worry about the ones you missed, you are going to keep missing them. Walter Hagen, 47. How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course? Knock, knock What is a golfers favorite bird? Many golfing terms sound naughty. Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. Arnold Palmer, 65. Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? Wanna be my caddy? The worst club in my bag is my brain. Chris Perry, 42. And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." Golf is like doing your taxes. This post may contain affiliate links. Bobby Jones, Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Putter Around. What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? 2. H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation? Obviously I'm a man that loves Gatorade and I'd definitely like to raid your gato. Dean Martin, He loved the game. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. The 19th hole. Golf?! Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. In case he gets a hole in one. My shaft is bent. "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.". 5. I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!. Golf is more complicated than that. They dont have the heart for it. Required fields are marked *. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. "While playing golf today I hit two good balls. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. 21. Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! Toggle Navigation Menu . What do you jot down if you dont remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? Why are there 18 holes on a golf course? Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. Wodehouse Everyday I'm Schauffele. I had a hole in nothing. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? Have a look at these best picture quotes of funny golf. That I am sure of will make your day full of joy! "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.". How Long Does It Take to Play 18 Holes of Golf? A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. I smile at obstacles. Tiger Woods, 13. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. Jack Burke, Every golfer worthy of the name should have some acquaintance with the principles of golf course design, not only for the betterment of his game but for his own selfish enjoyment. Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. I'm hoping to be a sore loser." Related: Best Ways On How To Flirt With A Guy Over Text? After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. Tahiti. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. "Gunga galunga gunga, gunga-galunga." Golf Quotes (131 quotes) - Goodreads Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I clubs. The greatest single lesson to be learned from golf is mental discipline. Louise Suggs, 51. 80+ Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings - CoolNSmart Besides that, I love to explore. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, Of course. To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? I just dont know where I fit in. Beth Daniel, 37. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. Are you looking for some funny jokes? Joey Adams, A well-hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands, and into your heart. Concentrate on the one fault you want to overcome. Sam Snead, 55. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car? Moe Norman, ALL of us play our very best game / Any other time / Golf or billiards, its all the same / Any other time / Lose a match and you always say, Just my luck! Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro. When hes not on the green, you can find him wishing that he was Fortunately hes happy tojust chat about it here until the next time. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. As he approached the threesome, he said Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. 63 Archery Pick Up Lines for Bows & Arrows, 23 Table Tennis / Ping Pong Pick Up Lines, 79 Marching Band and Color Guard Pick Up Lines. I love you and I want you to stay with me., Woman: You dont understandIm a hooker., Man: That is no problem, darlin, you probably just have too strong a grip.. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. The little ball that sat motionless, defying you to hit it. Lighten up, golf is just a game after all. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. 75 Hilarious Golf Puns and One-Liners That Don't Suck Golf is the easiest game in the world. What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? I know what to look for. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. "Golf is my profession. 150 Hilarious Golf Jokes And Puns 'Fore' Everyone Wodehouse, The value of routine; trusting your swing. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't: 10. Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. the flag cant jump. Think the shot through in advance before you address the ball. Ben Hogan. Do you know why the game is called golf? Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. He attacks it. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Ray Floyd, 41. Watch their eyes. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken. Of course, says the old man, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.. Do you know what the Lama says? Dirty Golf Sayings. J.R. Rim, Till saints and angels hymn forevermore / The miracle of your astounding score / And He who keeps all players in His sight / Walking the royal and ancient hills of light / Standing benignant at the eighteenth hole / To everlasting Golf consigns your soul. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. Golf puts a mans character on the anvil and his richest qualitiespatience, poise, restraintto the flame. Billy Casper, 16. Sam Snead. Id cry too if I played golf like you. I'm a bit tired so how about we just play your backside tonight? He hauls off and whacks onebig hitter, the Lamalong, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. 150 Puns From All Walks of Life. Nuts! From the moment I saw you, I've had a vertical shaft angle. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. Whats a golfers favorite nightlife activity? See more ideas about golf quotes funny, golf, golf quotes. It means, in so many words, that if you can golf when the wind is blowing youre a man; if not, youre still a boy. Why do golfers hate cake? The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. And there are windmills. Playing golf is fun and exciting, but these Short Golf Jokes will make your game enjoyable. He said. Why a carrot as a logo? Showing 1 to 56 of 56 entries Click me to show the form! I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. Fore! Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. 3. Jack Benny. "I'll kiss you on the rain so you get twice as wet". Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? 19. fodrizzle. How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. PG Wodehouse. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. Grip the club as if you were holding a baby bird. Sam Snead, 58. What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan, 56. Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. He said. Funny Family Poems. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? Their fore-fathers! 86+ Funny Golf Quotes | Free HD Images & Pictures Download Dave Barry, Golf is the only game I know where you call a foul on yourself. I asked my caddie what he thought of my game. 350 Best Golf Quotes ideas | golf quotes, golf, golf humor - Pinterest And three, have a passion for what youre doing. Juli Inkster, 28. Please add a link to this article. Billy Graham, Show me a man who is a good loser and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Your email address will not be published. Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! Please read here for more information. Achieve more with each and every round you play. Funny Jokes - Dirty Golf Sayings And now it will be poisoned for you. If we weren't, we'd take up a less infuriating hobby, like knitting. With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. I never prayed that I would make a putt. Fore-get Me Nots. Originally posted by raffa nunyez. Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. The means are as important as the ends. 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. 8. P.G. 22. Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. A golf ball can be driven 300 yards. / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. You may have heard these renowned quotes about funny golf before. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving. Ben Hogan, To find a mans true character, play golf with him. The 32 Dirty Quotes of all Time - quotesforbros.com What is the difference between a fisherman and a golfer? You okay with that? Your competitors are not allowed to hinder you, as they are in other sports. They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. Raymond Floyd. Is everything okay?. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. We have a threesome, care to join us? The battle that raged inside each players head. Golf turns outdoors into indoors, a prefab mat of stultified grass, processed, pesticided, herbicided, the pseudo-green of formica sterilityThe enemy of wildness, it is a demonstration of the absolute dominion of man over wild nature. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Oh my God, what have I just said?". The threesome were curious what was going on. No matter the distance, its through that tall tree over there. What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? Keep your head down. A lot of Seniors love playing golf and also, they love jokes. Hi there! A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. Tiagra. You can talk about strategy all you want, but what really matters is resiliency. Hale Irwin, 50. Whats the difference between golf and sex? A fan in the crowd said Mr. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. Colleen Ferrari Bader, And does the man walk always so? These funny golf quotes and images coming from famous wise people are the most precious words worth sharing. Lift your head and spread your legs. On a golf course, nature is neutered. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. No matter what you shoot the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin again and make yourself into something. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. Look at the size of his putter. / In despair my overburdened spirit sinks / Till I wish that every golfer was in glory / And I pray the sea may overflow the links. Youve got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 43. Or on top." "I have lovemaking with you a lot in my head." "Let's have a 'who's better in b3d' contest. - Mickey Mantle. My swing is so bad, I look like a caveman killing his lunch. Dirty Golfing Quotes Joke, Sick Golfing Quotes Jokes, Funny Golfing Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? So what are you waiting for? A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. Of all the hazards, fear is the worst. Sam Snead, 27. "Damn, my shaft is all bent." A bad attitude is worse than a bad swing. Payne Stewart, 48. Drop some in the comments! What does a golfer do on his day off? Twelfth son of the Lama. Brent Musberger, If you break 100, watch your golf. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. P-U-T-T is correct, the instructor replied. 7. If I learn that you are a fan of diving - I would suppose that your psychological portrait includes such features as curiosity, patience, and insistence. Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? Hit the ball. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance.". Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? Noah. It will test your patience. 700 Golf Humor | Cartoons ideas | golf humor, golf, humor - Pinterest
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